Nonbinary as a Choice
When I was in middle school, I identified as a boy and used he/him pronouns. I thought I was transgender, but as time went on I realized that the discomfort I felt didn't indicate a desire to be more masculine or to be perceived as a man. In fact, I was uncomfortable on either side of the binary. I then identified myself as a woman for years before finally arriving at my current identity; nonbinary. In that time, I felt bouts of stress over my own gender and sexuality, afraid to lay claim to any one label for fear of having to take it back like I did the first time. I worried I wouldn't be taken seriously because I didn't feel that I needed to present in an exclusively masculine or feminine way, which had led people to harass me about my identity in the past. This fear of rejection borne from the strictness of the gender binary wasn't the only thing holding me back from realizing myself as a nonbinary person.
I was afraid that being nonbinary meant that I would no longer be able to have any claim to the experiences I have as a woman and as a lesbian, but this is far from the truth. While I may not include myself in the category of 'woman', most people who I interact with still place me in that category. Because of this, I continue to face the same prejudices and oppressions as I always have. Additionally, I still feel that I can call myself a lesbian because the shared experiences of these oppressions is what draws me to the people I am attracted to and the absence of this is what deters me from those I am not. In this way, my sexuality could also be considered a matter of choice, as it has as much to do with social arrangements as it does with sex or romance.
"The liberal feminist says “I am a woman” and by that means that they are spiritually, ontologically, metaphysically, genetically, or any other modes of “essentially” a woman.
The gender nihilist says “I am a woman” and means that they are located within a certain position in a matrix of power which constitutes them as such."
- Escalante, Alyson, "Gender Nihilism: An Anti-Manifesto"
The conviction I feel now is something that is still growing and forming within me. I still feel pressure to conform to certain gender standards and I don't trust my own knowledge of gender theory to adequately explain my position if someone were to ask me to justify myself. I strive to exist as a nonbinary person consciously and intentionally. My gender is a direct response to the fact that the gender/sex binary is constructed for the oppression of women, intersex people, and anyone else who is not a man, a conclusion I have reached by relating gender to Spickard's description of the race divisions in the United States. Within the community of feminists, I feel that this is not an uncommon assertion, but otherwise I have a hard time finding nonbinary people who do not see themselves as transgender. I do not feel that I was born in the wrong body because gender is not something we are innately born with, it is learned, practiced, and constructed (Butler). In this way, it is not a transition, but a form of self-reflection. I am the same as I always have been, but now I aim to seize my existence and use it as a tool to reject an oppressive system.
I am nonbinary because I believe that this is the most true way I, or anyone, can exist. It is a means of freedom and comfort for myself and it is a means of activism and protest. By boldly asserting my place outside of the binary, I will demonstrate to those around me that existence outside of long established and respected systems is possible and worthwhile. I invite those around me to question their assumptions about the importance of gender and its functions in society. For example, there are many cisgender people who cannot imagine parting with the gender they have learned to be because they assume that being nonbinary means they have to abandon the 'feminine' or 'masculine' things they have adopted as hobbies or preferences. I urge those who think this way to consider my rationale for rejecting the binary and to broaden their perception of what gender is and what its absence may feel like. I even have to remind myself of these things because this system is one that has been taught to us since the moment we were born.
Doing gender is a constant activity in our lives. It dictates, at least in part, social interactions, choice in entertainment and hobbies, and the way we think about ourselves. In a way, we rely on gender in our everyday lives as a shape to mold ourselves into. This may seem like a just way of socially organizing ourselves, but this is contested by the realization that gender systems, no matter how they have changed throughout history, have always been based on power imbalance (Escalante). As a person who believes wholeheartedly in justice and equity, I believe it is more important to move towards the abolition of systemic barriers to these things than it is to maintain our current way of life. Gender is just one of many, but we must confront it as individuals and as a community.
Butler, Judith, “Performative Acts and Gender Constitution: An Essay in Phenomenology and Feminist Theory.” Theatre Journal, Vol. 40, No. 4, 1998, pp. 519-531
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